I am not ok....yet

I am not ok - have not been all day since I heard about the shooting in Connecticut.  I was not ok even before I knew how many children were killed ...and I was most certainly less ok when I found out the total number of victims.  I am not blaming a god I do not believe in and I find no comfort in trying to convince others of anything other than they should find comfort where they can.

I am not ok today - and I have not felt this powerless, shocked, angered, sad, and confused since 9/11.  I do not blame the tv, the mental health system, politicians or gun makers.  I do hope that getting a gun is something that requires more screening than it currently does in many places and maybe the question or really who needs anything other than rifle for personal use?  I mean automatic weapons - what the f*&k are you hunting? It is not ok to have lax gun laws - they need to be much stronger. Though let's not kid ourselves they will not be a magic shield they will be a deterrent in many cases at best.

I do not think it is ok that I had to cry in my office and try to make sense of a day that just made no sense.  That in my spirit of holiday giving and warmth this cold crept into my soul and strangled it - making it hard to breathe much less think.

I am not ok with having to tell my 8 and 6 year old in terms that will not scare them what the tv or other kids may share with them about this - to tell them that bad people are scary but they should not be scared.

During those awful hours and days after Columbine, as we see again today, the world around me tried to gain control by blame - the only blame I have is for the shooters - so instead of spreading more hate can we look at ways to work together without finger pointing and instead opt for hand shaking agreement on how to protect our children?

I will be ok because I still think of these horrors are not being the whole of the world (my thoughts also went to the 22 children who on Thursday   were stabbed in China by a random man)- the wars, the deaths, the pain - they are real and a walking boogeyman but they are not all we have.  If there is a god figure you believe in may they bring you the peace you need to see the world for what it is - imperfect and beautiful.  I for one am making peace again as I do after these events that leave me horrified and numb, grateful for my friends and loved ones, by turning to my writing, to my music and to rebuilding my soul.  I cannot control the world but I can control the soul that refuses to remain in a cold grip by enjoying my days, loving with abandon and most of all by still believing that this incident is not the world - this is the exception.  There is nothing more beautiful than the sound of children's laughter - the smiles on small faces - the glitter in their eyes as they discover something ----- that is what we owe our children so that they can be ok.


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