Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Middle Age Crazy

Truth be told I am officially middle aged.....by any standard it is true, life expectancy being in the 80s (90s if you are lucky) turning 44 puts me smack dab in the middle of my life.  I am trying very hard to feel that this actually means something to me.  I look back on my years and the magazines I read reflect my aging process in my teens it was Teen Beat and 16!, twenties Cosmo and Glamour, thirties Marie Claire and Elle, now food magazines and More. My medicine cabinet went from baby oil for tanning to hair products to moisturizers to things with names like "the youth as we know it" and the word miracle liberally applied on the bottles.


In my teens I was friendly, funny and totally insecure about everything from the way I looked to the boys I liked and of course to any sort of ability I could possibly have.  I knew one thing, I was funny....got that from Dad along with some of the above insecurities.  Since I was funny I usually was pretty good at laughing at myself and making others laugh too. At that age I could not imagine the year 2000 nor could I imagine the ripe old age I would be when that year came around...I mean by 30 you basically should pack it in.  I thought of my own parents as in their forties, prior to them actually being that age and for some time after. I chased being a little bit older to be able to go to certain places and get in them, to be able to do it without curfews (though my Father had one for me until I was 20!!! At 19 he made my curfew 5:05 AM, my boyfriend's mother said that was not a curfew but an inconvenience...the :05 was the leeway to be a little late, past that I lost 2 hours of the curfew for the following day) and because until about 18 it seems that time goes so slowly....however, that 18-20 mark and you start to go speeding Indy 500 style.


In my twenties I was so not going down the path of my parents...not for me this whole responsibility, marriage or children business.  I was going to have fun...travel...have fun...find out what I wanted to do with my life...have fun...go dancing...have fun.!!! Suddenly I was amazed how young 30 would be ...I mean hey it was not like I was going to need more than my best friends, dates and a little apartment for many years so 30 was just going to be my 20s but with more money right?  I moved across the country and moved back during this time.  I was still funny and this was good....my friends are all crazy ass gorgeous so being the funny one was a bit of a stand out for me.  I lost my Dad in my twenties and for that I was way too young....so was he.


In my thirties I annoyed some of my friends who were 29 for many years, defying all mathematical theorems out there, by celebrating the milestone and never lying about it.  I was having a great time, I was starting a new career and most of all I was actually not feeling that weird ass biological clock that everyone kept telling me about.  I was a New York Bridget Jones (love weighing myself in stones by the way) journal and all! I hit the snooze button on the biological clock and it only surfaced around my mid-thirties at which point whether I felt  that I was going to have to make a decision about having children before my body made it for me.  In my twenties I lost a parent in my thirties I became one.


So here I am...the forties, mid-life crisis, pre-menopause, contemplation about Botox ....oh yeah am sure that maybe some people out there but not me.  I cannot control aging but I can control what I do with every year I have.  I look back and see how the past four decades have added some amazing friends to my life, they have added a lot of heartbreak but even more happiness, and some remarkable experiences.  I do not mind getting older, though menopause has pretty much as much appeal as water boarding, and the only things I fear about it are getting Alzheimer's or being incapacitated ....I aim to be a Golden Girl if I can.  If I cannot I hope for kindness from my children and friends...and a nice looking male nurse to help me of course.   I remember all those years and am happy that I did not spend them worried about how fleeting they were or if I was still defined by the number on my cake, oh you bet there is always at least 1 but usually more than 1 cake.  I celebrate my birthdays for a month to catch up with all different friends and still am waiting for the day when I will feel like I have finished with half of my life instead of looking forward to the upcoming years.   As cliche as it is age really is a number, you at that age is defined by how you want to write the story and I am writing one hot, racy, funny, interesting novel every day.

forever young, i want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever and ever
some are like water, some are like the heat
some are a melody and some are the beat
sooner or later they all will be gone
why don't they stay young
it's so hard to get old without a cause ........Forever Young Alphaville

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