I just finished a book, Eleanor and Park, which (full disclosure it was Young Adult - but hey I was once young and now I am supposed to be an adult .. but still feel more young than always adult) was just such a trip down memory lane.
This time of year with summer ending and school summer I remember those days of those first "I will die if I can't be with him ... I am dying he doesn't like ....Oh please I'd rather die than be with him" romances.
There was awkwardness in them and if you are me .. well there was sarcasm. Nothing will keep you from getting a big heartbreak if you can crack a joke, pretend you don't care, laugh at your own unruly hair (this before the word frizz was commonplace it was just weird) that doesn't ever flip in a ponytail that every commercial told me it should in the 70s and 80s. The 80s were a huge hit with this girl - that giant hair, made even bigger with Aqua Net was now in style - those flippy hair girls were getting perms and not even close to my natural needs it's own zip code do.
I have always liked boys, possibly one of the many reasons I have always understood homosexual is not a preference after all I did not know why I liked boys - but liked them I did. I mean really liked them. I liked being their buddy and I liked their boyness. As I got older I realized I wanted to hold their hands and overlook their boyness. You know their maybe a little late to the game of deodorant moments, their amusement with bodily functions and noises, their lack of focus ... those were not annoying it was what made them well boys. The deodorant part was a deal breaker though - you can sweat but ya can't smell like you did. I loved when their voices changed. Most of all I wanted some of them to like me.
So we did all those things girls do - that in many conversations with men friends I have found that they 1) didn't always notice 2) didn't always get 3) wished we would not have been so elaborate just a smile and yes would have sufficed in most situations. I, however, cannot help it but am all girl in that respect. I filled journals with thoughts on a look, the way they didn't look, the oh he likes my friend tear stained ones and of course the ones that came, went, left a scar or barely a mark. Then I remember when it actually happened .. beyond the stares, the awkward say what you want to put your tongue in my mouth ewww moments, the missed kisses on both sides ... the real deal.
Ahh a kiss is still a kiss like Bogie says - I still remember the best kisses ... the ones that could not end even though they had to .. the ones that made you silly prior to it actually happening ... where you were so nervous that you may have even giggled (or in my most embarassing moment I snorted, like Chrissy Snow snorted -- he laughed so hard it took us a while to get back to the moment). In a world where sometimes all things are rushed to what some consider a main event - there is something to be thought of to stop and think about a kiss. The anticipation as two people get closer and the moment it first starts as it builds up .. it is a main event in itself if it is done well.
There is something so visceral and memorable about a good kiss that it made me smile just writing this.