After all pretty much all media tells me I have to fill them wrinkles. Yet they are my reminders that my eyes wrinkle when I laugh and I have laughed a lot. A LOT. For me the people that make me belly laugh, snort at times, tears in eyes laugh are the ones that I am most comfortable with because I relax enough to know they will eye roll at my snort and give me a tissue for those eyes. My wrinkles are from time spent squinting at the sun at the beach, a place that gives me inner peace and always makes me happy. My wrinkles mark the times I tried to look older when I was younger by putting on make up that I thought screamed sophistication ... it probably just screamed at times, many things but not sophistication. My wrinkles are not many and mostly come when I am showing emotion - like displeasure at something said, like anger when I see something that is unfair, like a smile I give someone when our eyes meet and they need a little encouragement, when the area around my eyes is lifted along with the corners of my mouth because I have locked eyes on someone who is setting my soul on fire. My wrinkles that hug the corners of my eyes when I look upon my sons and cannot help but sigh with pleasure. They are not defining me as older I am defining them as memory holders. Go ahead fill the wrinkles if it makes you smile and feel good but not because someone else is defining beautiful for you.
I hear that I should have .. I should have done this or that or worse yet that I cannot do something. That I am too old for this fashion, that length of hair. That I cannot be silly or try certain things. That at my age I should know better. I do - I know better - I know that I do not need to listen to all those things "they" say because I am getting more and more comfortable with the decisions I make. I see opportunities to try things because I no longer care as much what people think and if I fail. I lived a life of both accomplishments and tons of mistakes, I missed chances to try and go for things because of too many reasons, I didn't demand enough of myself when it came to telling people how I loved them and let them get away without demanding that they love me as I deserved. I should have but I didn't and I regret it not at all because instead I found other experiences, learned from those mistakes. I started painting in my 30s, blogging in my 40s, being a mother post 35 and tennis on the down side of 47. There is nothing I cannot do because of my age or the age I will be - it is freeing to know what I want, to learn to really think about what I deserve and to know whose advice and opinion actually matters besides my own.
In my teens I wanted so badly to be noticed in a good way, in my twenties I wanted to prove that I didn't care but really I spent so much time caring so much about what others wanted of me, in my 30s I started to embrace parts of who I was especially as I became a mother and in my forties I started to understand that the person who has to like me most, who has to have confidence in what I need is me. In my fifties and beyond I think as a woman I will be that much more comfortable in my needs, my sexuality, my asking of others to be on the trip with me and not need them to buy me a ticket.
I plan on making my last year in my forties a celebration of life and really focusing on what I want for the next 50 years. Yeah I need reading glasses, but boy are there some cute ones out there. Yeah I need some more medical care but I met some new interesting some folks that way. Yeah the world is out of it's fucking mind but I can be part of the solution of my sphere of influence. Yeah my body sometimes reminds me of some of it's limitations so I can remember to take care of it. There isn't a No, Can't in there - there are yeses of how I adjust not how to avoid.
I am not a marathon person, not a runner, hell I don't really like exercise but I love my walks, my tennis, my dancing around the house and of course my fabulous ability to belt out lyrics and sing along as if I actually had a killer voice to go with my kick ass dance moves. I am a woman in my last year of her 40s -- watch out world I am ready to roll.