Shaking my head and getting madder

Take the picture … does not matter if the kids eye roll.. take the picture.   

When my oldest of two sons went to college I knew it would be an emotional rollercoaster.   How could it not be? My first baby was no longer going to be home, our entire relationship would change.  His presence in the house with the love and wonder he added to it, with his sense of humor and sharing (what he wanted to) of moments in his life would no longer just be there for the listening.  So as I planned, packed and shopped for his first year away at college I cried, I thought of so many small moments that had been part of the journey.  Though he is the actor in the family, I was a bit of a great performer myself, I was cheerful, supportive, encouraging and did drop off with a smile and loads of hugs.  I got in the car and bawled the whole way home.  I found myself looking for him, in his room, knowing he would not be there.  Since he is only an hour away, in Manhattan - where I work, we found a new chapter in our lives.  One where advice was sought, am sure not always followed, where check ins happened between us as navigated his new life, and where we would meet for dinner.  It is wonderful.  I still pass by his room and picture him there .. at various ages.  I love when he is home.  Now he is in his own apartment, in Brooklyn, and while I moved out and lived on my own at 20 as well, he is living with roommates and enjoying this time in his life, much like I did.  It is a great time of life - go make the memories my son, go solidify the friendships and most of all go for it .. for the dreams you have. 

So you would think after all that I wrote above, I would be prepared for my second son as he went to college.  I mean I knew what was coming right?  I planned, packed, shopped for and thought of the many moments spent with him.  The last two years with his brother not being home, had really for the first time for a 2nd child, been all about him in the house.  I saw him bloom in those two years, engineering club I will forever be grateful for helping him see and grow as he found his “tribe” among the club (my older son found this through Drama club, so encourage your kids to follow the things they want to try.. they are meant to live their passions not ours). 

I once again, brushed off my acting skills - am sure my older thespian would not be as impressed as I am with myself - and at drop off I unpacked, set up, smiled, and left him with wishes for a great adventure in his freshman year.  I cried the long walk to the car park and on the drive and at the house.  His university is near our weekend apartment, over 2 1/2 hours away from home, so there will be no impromptu mid-week dinners.  I was gut punched getting home, setting the table for 2 people only, seeing his room clean and not hearing .. well not hearing the sounds that make up a home if you have kids.  Not having anyone to call to dinner and be met with “just a minute” - which is not an actual minute as parents know. 

It has been a few days and I am still carrying this sadness, mixed with a lot of happiness for him, for both of them, because this what we raise them toward - we raise them to become independent of us, to fly and soar without our help.  I am grappling with not having to plan dinner for 4, for 3 .. to not have him pop in and tell me a funny story about something he is doing, to not have rap music plugged in as soon as they get in the car.  No one will ask me for a ride, which I encourage you to give them if you can - it is a few extra moments where you and your children can share a laugh or just be together.  No one will ask for a Carvel run, for a “can you make this ..” dessert or dinner, followed by a killer kid smile. 

Our family has been lucky to be able to spend a lot of time together, our kids were apparently bit surprised that during pandemic some of their friends told them how they now had to have family dinners (sometimes neither parent cooked so that was a whole other discussion that my boys brought to the table).  We, even as a mom who works outside the home, always made it a point to have dinner together, no electronics, grunts and “fines” when asked about their days but then it would be there, it would start with a small story they wanted to share.  We did family vacations and a lot of activities since they were small that were meant to be time for the four of us.  This is not a “right” or “wrong” comment on parenting - it is just how we chose to parent our children.  So maybe that also adds to my feelings of loss, and missing them.  

I am sure that, as others have told me, I am not alone in these feelings, in wondering what now.  As a couple the past 20 years have been a lot about the kids, and how we managed parenting them, so here we are …who are we as a couple? Not the same people who once were a couple 20 years younger.  What does our next chapter look like? What do I want to do that I maybe did not do so that I could be home with my kids? Who am I now and who do I want to grow further along to be? 

I am lucky I have amazing friends, who will let me cry and whine about missing my sons, and who will be there for me as I would for them to navigate this time.  After all my two best friends and I navigated college together - so we can commiserate while also remembering our own ridiculous and fun times. 

As FB pops up picture memories, it gives me all the feels, and I am glad that while my sons and my husband eye rolled and were like “Mama.. no more pictures” I did not listen, handed the camera or phone to my husband to take the picture, took the selfies with them.  I miss my babies, for that is what they will always be, and that is on me to manage, and not on them to.   I love the relationship my sons and I have .. and seeing them take on life with so much confidence and enthusiasm.  I am glad I took the pictures, and even more so that we had the moments that we capture in them. 

Good luck to all you parents who are now “empty nesters” .. I am on a journey to eliminate the “empty” and fill it with new memories.. smile, I will be taking a pic.