Teenage Dating Goals

 I was going to write a blog about rules for teenagers and their parents as they start dating.  That’s where my son and his friends are at as freshmen in High School.  Before it was cute but it was “fake” dating, kind of like we played 7 minutes in Heaven or Spin the Bottle when we were in middle school but maybe even less contact than that.  You kissed, there was touching, it was kind of nice but for most of us it was slightly embarrassing as we tried to figure it out, it was awkward.  It meant you could be dating for a day.  That’s kind of what pre-high school dating is like.  That’s ok.  That’s what it should be like developmentally.  Emotionally they are just not ready for more, even though they (like us at their ages) are so sure they are all so grown.

So first year of High School rolled around and the posts started to appear on FB, the discussions during get togethers between Mom friends, with the status of “so it is happening, so this happened, so my child had a boy/girl over for the first time (you know not the usual hang out)”.  I know my own son has liked girls, there might have been some of the aforementioned (his story not mine to share) and yet he has not brought anyone home.  Yet me thinks it’s closer, the other day we were in the mall and there was a BTS inspired purchase.  Yah.. his hair was combed this morning .. a little sniff told me he had sprayed some Nautica on.  My turn is coming.

I am not going to write rules, I was a teenager that just would have meant more shit to try and break.  More eye rolls about adults who of course had never been their age, had never done any of the things they want to do, hell adults probably never even thought of more than the missionary position — eww my teenager would say.

I am not going to write more rules to make parents feel like there is  another bar, another “they” moment that they have to deal with as parents .. after all since pregnancy we are bombarded with advice on how to parent, how not to parent, how everyone and I mean everyone else is parenting. Please if we were honest there are bits of good info in these tomes but most of us are leaning over more than leaning in.  Our helicopters have run out of fuel, our kids are going to be ok despite our not being able to check every box of every parenting survey out there.

So I am going to aim for goals.   For my son, for his friends of both sexes and for parents.

First Goal - for parents - deep breath.  You knew this was coming, we blinked, we had long days and the years flew by.  We knew it was coming.  We have each other.

Second Goal - also for parents - it is scary.  It is.  It is natural, there is nothing wrong with sexual exploration.  There are way too many diseases.  How do we talk about birth control?  Birth control - shit I need a glass of wine.

Third Goal - for parents - let’s not stick to stereotypes.  “You are so lucky you have boys” You better get a shotgun with your daughter being that pretty”.  Stop.  How about we take a step forward, teach our boys that partners are to be respected, our girls the same, as are their own bodies.  That they are much too young for sex at 14, 15, maybe even 16 and 17.  That they need to be ready emotionally. They need to have a safe place to come to talk to, we may not like it but we need to make it safe.  We do not own their bodies, they do.  They do.  Remember that, not the pressure of their peers, not shit they read.  They do.  They do not have to give their bodies, they have to respect the other’s person bodies and their own. 

Fourth Goal - for parents - they might need a good understanding of the human body, do not assume they know.  They need to understand consent. They need to have friends who look out for them when maybe they no longer are making a good decision or any decisions.  Talk to them about dangers and how to be ok with leaving a place just because it doesn’t feel right in their gut.  They might need condoms, birth control.  If you are religious they need to know your religion wants them to not feel guilty that it wants them to feel proud of their bodies and not give it away.  Let’s lead them to hold off on doing things faster than their emotional maturity allows,  horny as they may be.

Fifth goal - for parents - it is ok to have rules and leave the door slightly ajar.  It is ok to want to meet the people they want to date.  We are empowering them we do not need to pretend we are ok with them running the show.  These are the same kids who still put back empty milk bottles into the fridge, leave clothes inside out for laundry.. seriously they need guidance

Sixth Goal - for teenagers  - we all know we would be brilliant, in charge, make better decisions as teenagers- if we could go back in time.  In reality we wouldn't because we made mistakes back then too and good ones.  It led us to who we are.  We loved and had our hearts broken.  We were loved more than we loved back.  We were awkward with our bodies, even more so with those of others, yet we too pretended "we knew it all".  Maybe we didn't feel like we could talk to our parents, maybe we were right, but most of us now want to be there for you.  We do not want details, we want you to know we are here and we want you to date when you are ready, to make you your favorite food when it hurts and it will at some point and to help you if you need to be the one to break it off. 

Dating goals - as a teen mine went like this - long hair,  rebellious, something slightly broken about them, funny and nice.  Yeah it was a hard combo, I got some, some were just jerks and the only thing broken about them was their moral compass.  I wouldn't change any of them .. I learned, I cried and I hurt but I also laugh and smile at the memories of those relationships.  They make for a good story and they remind me that I can get through almost anything and find the good in it.

Closing my eyes, afraid of what I will see when I open them but willing to try and make this dating thing as good as I can for the teenager who soon I will have to acknowledge as "so this happened..."