Never have I ever

"Never have I ever .. " I remember a version of this game when I was in college.  You say something you have never done, people try to guess if you are lying then some sort of drinking happened.  

As a parent this game is played between myself and my teenage son.  It goes something like this "Mom have you ever.." insert here something I most likely do not want to admit to doing, wished I had the smarts to not have done, and for sure probably did around his age. 

This happens more when I am trapped, in the car, driving.  We cannot make eye contact.  It is perfect for him.  I am not able to walk away. 

I have tried deflection at times.  The radio made louder "oh I love this song" said to songs I probably do not love, if he chose it on Spotify it has words that I have to tell him are not quite how I want to hear about "ho" women, the f bomb or the n word used in the frequency it is in the lyrics.  He is a rap fan.  I used to like, all sorts of music always, rock.  Like Motley Crue, women sprawled on cars, called cherry pie, blood ran cold cause she was a centerfold.  So really am I being bit hypocritical of his rap music, maybe, but also I see how sexist that was then, from the eye roll "I know Mom" response I am hoping he realizes this is for sales.  Not how one should treat others.  He is always surprised when I know rap songs, as if his generation not mine invented it.  Please Gen X gave you rap.. son.   See how I deflected, you forgot as you read this that he was about to ask me something, so did he. 

Sometimes it is not as successful.  The thought of pretending someone was in my lane and I had to swerve has crossed my mind.  I live in a busy area, not worth an accident to deflect.  

It is not that I do not want to talk about things with him and his brother.  I want to hear it all.  I try methods to get them to do more than one word answer me about everything.  I drop enough hints that I get info, they think I already had shhh.  I just balance between the lies my parents told me, which I knew were lies and I just eye rolled at them, or the times they would have no frame of reference so I wouldn't have asked them.  I do not want to lie to them, nor use scare tactics that are false. It is hard.  Never have I ever thought it would be this hard, parenting is humbling. 

"Mom have you ever gotten drunk?" hmm they see me drinking wine, they have never seen me drunk.  I do not really get drunk.  I was many times, many holy shit I got lucky that I survived times.  I was drinking when I wasn't of legal age.  I have drunk so much that I did the drunk man's prayer over the toilet god .. I will never, ever drink like that again.  I drank again, the toilet god revisited.  It's been many, many years since then.  I know moderation now.  I know I do not like the feeling.  I thought about my answer. "Yes I have" the shock of the answer muted him.  I went to tell him that while it was fun, it was in college (when he is in college I might rectify this incorrect age), it was awful when I got home, I got sick.  It was gross the next day.  I would prefer he wait and try not to get to drunk but rather to be of age when he drinks and drinks less than get sick drunk.  It went over pretty well.  We talked tactics, people will drink around him, how he will handle. 

We talked about pot, I was not a fan so this was easy.  I tried it, didn't like it so much, am a bit of a control freak.  Feel it is too easy to think you can try other drugs then but consequences much worse.  We watched a movie on how quickly this spirals.  It scared him, grossed him out.  I told him that I would also prefer he didn't try pot until college, mostly because of brain development.  I took the sexy, forbidden from it.  We did ok.  I didn't lie, he didn't lie that he would never try it.  Just said it made him think differently and maybe wanting to wait. 

We talk about the fact that I was a smoker.  This one puts him over the edge.  How could I?  I lead to vaping and Juuling.  He is not interested, it's gross, he tried it.  His grandmother has sever emphysema it is a deterrent.  I am hoping it stays this way. 

We talk about liking people, I will not tell him certain firsts, I happily share the G rated ones.  I tell him sex is awesome.  It requires consent, it requires you to be aware of your body and the other person's. I tell him it is private, that he is too young.  That while it is easy to access porn he should never forget that's not real.  He is not yet 15, he is not ready.  Never have I ever thought I would have boys, or kids, and have to teach them so much.  I am glad I am being asked.  I am hoping he hears me. 

His brother is less inquisitive, or maybe he gets it from the older one and skips me, I try to not forget that he needs discussions too.  

Never have I ever .. forgotten that they are of a different generation.  That my sons are not me and need guidance and for me to be a parent not their "friend".   I wish I could teenage proof the world as I baby proofed the house, to protect them, but I cannot.  I can only give them tools, to remind them to make good choices and to never ever forget that I am there for them even if they made poor ones.  

Never have I ever .. only one thing.  Never have I ever had regrets - I have been sorry, I have learned, I have made mistakes but regrets are lessons not learned but excuses for the outcome.