Giving up

  In my life one of the things that has been driven into me and a big part of who I am is the idea that you do not give up.   You push through.  It doesn't matter if you like it, if it is hard, if you no longer want the goal.  You just do not give up. 

I applied this to things like math, did not like it, went to Calculus just because you did not stop earlier according to my Dad.  I never gave up on a book, even if I did not like it.  I stuck around in relationships when they clearly had never even started to be what I needed or have any chance of getting past the point they were in.  You are getting the gist of my holding on mentality.

I am now 51 and I have realized that in not giving up things that did not in any way enhance my life I actually did give up on me.  On things that were important to me.  I gave up my control and affirmation that what I thought and wanted were the things I should not have given up. 

This is not to say that I do not believe in hard work, on learning or even on picking myself up just because it is taking longer.  All those things I do more than ever.  I love learning and new experiences.  I do not need to master all of the things I learn, I am ok with learning that I do not like something (running comes to mind or group exercise classes - no thanks).

I just am trying to teach myself to be ok with giving up those things that really I do not need to do. That I need to use that energy to make the most of holding on to actions and people that do make me happy. 

My good friend died this past weekend, she was a warrior.  The thing I most have seen said about her is that she never gave up.  

Yet I saw her in the hospital about a month ago and while she had not given up the fight but she gave up the things she no longer found important so she could enjoy the things like visit with friends, instead of dying her hair, and other joys. 

I learned a lot from her, especially as she got more and more ill.  I learned that you have to live in the moment, that it is ok to say no and most of all that life is fleeting for all of us so spend as much as you can loving and living.  

In honor of her I am giving up the things I do just because I have always done them if they no longer make sense.  It is time to let go of people who do not have time for me, nothing but good wishes their way but I am not chasing people to be friends with them.  Goodbye to pretending I will fit into certain clothes  - they are going to be someone else's new beginning.  

There is so much I still want to do that I need to embrace giving up the things that others can do for themselves and have just gotten complacent in their delegation to me.  

I am also giving up some of my anxiety and angst with the political arena. It is not that I do not care, or that I will not vote - that is something I am never giving up, it is just that I cannot let it infect my life as it has.  I can only be aware, be kind and be supportive of issues and candidates that share my vision.  I cannot worry about the people who do not want to move forward and want to be stuck in some past that was nowhere near as good as they want to make it.  I give up on being upset and replace it with being informed.  

The list of "give ups" will keep changing, nothing stops me from adding something back on or taking on new things. It just serves as a reminder to stop and enjoy the moment, to know I am enough and to get the pleasure of an experience not just check it off a list. 

What are you looking to give up ?