Sometimes they just don't pick you

 I try and focus my kids on what they can accomplish, that they should try for whatever they have a passion for and that success sometimes means just getting better at something not necessarily only when you are the best at it. 

I know that there are a lot of complaints about how the doom of society hinges on the fact that kids all get a trophy instead of just the winners.  I find that totally ridiculous.  First of all they do not all get a trophy forever, they just get one when they are young enough that they do not understand why they don't get one.  Second they will learn in life, over and over, that trophies are not always fairly given, that you have to work for them in most cases and that you will not always get one.  So if they build some confidence instead of tears at the end of a meaningless sports games in their primary grades go for it.  

So having said that I do think the hardest part is teaching my kids how to fail.  It is a struggle.  I constantly want them to be protected from those things that hurt them.   That's pretty much most parents goal.   To keep them safe from emotional and physical harm.  

However, since my boys are past the primary school grades I also have started to teach them how to deal with failure, disappointment, not making it to a team or role or playoff.  I am also letting them fail here and there at school if it will not mess up their overall grade.  Grades matter and they will get my help making sure they do not drop a grade because of laziness or carelessness. 

Instead of telling them something was unfair, and frankly sometimes it is, I ask them to deal with their frustration by talking about it.   When it is unfair and blatantly so I acknowledge it with them but then remind them that this will happen in life  and if they handle it with grace it will speak more about them than anything.  I tell them they could let out their frustration at home but that they take the high road when they see the person who may not have. 

When they do not get picked because frankly others are better than them I tell them that doesn't mean as much about that moment but rather about what do they want to work on to get better, to get to a point where they are achieving the results they want.  

The missed homework that makes them have to do extra work or get a slightly lower grade for a quarter is a moment to ask them how are they going to commit doing better and to remind them this is for them cause hell I finished with school a LOOONNNGG time ago .

It kills me ever time to do these things.  I want to tell the coach who was mean or unfair to them off - total Astoria girl style, in their face.   I  remind them every day to do the things for school that seem annoying but are important, like homework.   Failure is learning how to climb and not repeat mistakes on your road to the top. 

I work on building their confidence a lot and one of the things I think they need to do that is to learn to deal with disappointment, to learn from it, to understand how not to repeat mistakes.  

So yeah I am teaching my kids to fail as much as I encourage them to learn to succeed.