Letting them go

    As a mom one of the hardest things to learn is how to let go of your kids.  I remember when my kids first started being mobile as toddlers, first I watched them like a hawk to make sure they met a milestone.  My first son did not turn over until like the last day of the "timeline" that my book said he should.  I must have looked ridiculous to him, and the rest of the people visiting, trying to show him how to do it.  Picture a grown woman trying to roll over .. yeah that pretty.   I realize I was worse with the first one but the 2nd child was watched too. 

When they first move you are behind them, for good reason, you want to make sure they do not get hurt.  They have no concept of hurt, danger, or even thinking at that time.  You walk behind them, your back hates you, you want them to walk but you want to make sure they do not fall, hit themselves, tumble.  It is exciting and frightening and all part of the evolution they go through as they develop from infant, to toddler, to child, to pre-teen, to teen, to adult. 

As they get to pre-teen and teen you are back to worrying about will they fall, hit themselves, tumble, get hurt because teens are like massive toddlers in some ways.  They need a lot of sleep, have mood swings that resemble tantrums but they cannot be as easily pacified.  This is the time again that you need to start letting them walk.

My own 14 year old son is having a growth week.  I am helping him as he learns to take public transportation and the subway, how to buy a Metrocard, how to navigate the city and how to become street aware.  The kid has not always had to pay attention to his surroundings like you do in the city.  He is used to some of this, we often travel and take public transportation and we mostly use it when we come into the city from our home in Westchester. Yet it is not the same - he has to learn to do it on his own.

At 14 I was well versed in navigating the subways, buses and walks.  I knew how to get to Manhattan from Queens, how to be hyper-aware of my surroundings, my necklace tucked in my shirt so it's not snatched, my bag in front of me zipped.  This was not the cleaned up version of NY we now have, crime was higher, the subways were gross (they might be hot and annoying at times now - they were filthy then) and yet I was not afraid.  My own parents worked and so I did not have the luxury of having them take me places, no one I knew did even if one parent stayed home.  We managed, we got hurt, we lied about where we were and there was not an App - oh wait there were no cell phones - to track us.  We had to use pay phones, no we had nothing to wipe them down it.  We survived. 

Yet today we watch them walk, we light their path, we feel the need to help them navigate, we somehow still need to walk behind them.   I think we do it from good intent, we want them to have it easier, to not get hurt, to be protected.  It is for us - not only for them if we were to be honest.  They need to walk, run, hop, skip.  They need to know how to get hurt, to be aware, to be responsible.  Sigh - it means they are growing up, that they will need us differently than they did in the past.  They will need us - even if they do not admit it. 

I am teaching my son how to be independent, how to navigate and yes I am totally going with him for at least part of the week.  He is growing up and I hope I gave him enough advice on how to manage so that he can do it without me, little by little.  

When I was a teenager I ran - I ran and I stumbled and I picked myself up and did it again, learning how to avoid the things that tripped me.  I still trip here and there and still learn.  He will too.  We cannot protect them forever what we can do is remind them that we are always in back of them to pick them if they need it.