Time is on my side

 Time - no matter who we are, where we are, it is one of the biggest forces in our lives.  What we make it of it and what it makes of us cannot be denied.

Time's meaning has always changed for me.   As a child and teen, much like every child and teen, I felt time was sooo slllloww.   I mean the school year felt like it was at least 30 months long in a day.  Summers, off from said school, seemed to be endless until about the week before school would start again and then it felt like the summer flew by.

In my twenties time became a little closer to real time, I wanted to be in the moment, to pack the days and even more so the nights with adventures, new people, new experiences, travel and of course I had the energy to do so.

The thirties time suddenly became prominent, was I going to be a mother, not going to be a mother, get married, stay single, live with someone.  I made a career change, I decided I wanted to start painting and I did.  I had enough money to do things on my own, not enough to be living a life of leisure and still had the energy to be those things.  Time was ticking, loudly.

My forties were full of speed and full of speed bumps.  I had my children and some days and nights felt so slow because I was so consumed with them, by choice and loved it.  Other times I blinked and the months were now in the past. 

Then it all changed again - I was about 2 years away from 50 when this shift happened for me.  It is still spot on the my time with my children is going so fast but I am loving who they are becoming.  Time suddenly took on a new meaning again for me.  Fifty is a big number - people have full on crises around this number.   Had I "wasted"time? I do not like this approach, no regrets, just lessons learned.

I have never been one to obsess over age and how time pushes it on us, I only lied about my age to say I was older and get into clubs, or even tell people I was younger.  I mean what's the point?  It's your age not who you are.

However, I was going to be 50, and who was I suddenly was important to me in a way that it had not been?  Who did I want to be for me?  I was no longer the young daughter living for her parents' definition or fighting it, I wasn't the independent young woman looking for acceptance as she started her life, I was past the 30 year old defined by her biology and her ambition, no longer the 40 year old women defined as mother only. 

Now time has become something of a fluid thing for me - no longer quite in the rush to get there first but enjoying the journey.

I also have started this year with a clearer vision for myself - I do not have time any more for people who do not have time for me.    I have been often told that I am "so good" at keeping in touch.  I counted myself lucky to have met wonderful people, but I also realize that saying is a double edged sword.  Keeping in touch is a two way deal and if someone doesn't reciprocate then I wish them well and I will see you when I see you.   I am dedicating that kind of "so good" to those who want to be part of my life and frankly to me.

So yeah .. time is on my side (Mick is a living example of this song he sings so well) ... and I am going to have the time of my life...I do not want to race against time but rather to use the time I have.