The Just Say No Talk

Most of us grew up, if we are 40 or older, in eras where basically the guidance our parents gave us for anything that was illicit was NO.  No explanations needed.  Or maybe it was just not spoken about.

Things like sex, drugs, smoking, drinking.  We did not have discussions,  at best we were given warnings.  They went something like this "I'll kill you if ever.." or "You better not let me find out you ever tried ...".   There was always the goody, which by the way is quite effective even now, "I will be so disappointed if you ever..".   If you had immigrant parents there was a good chance the "I didn't come to America so you can become (insert negative thing here).." thrown in at some point.

Did it work?  Well to some degree for many of us we learned the rubber band rule.  You can try and do some parts but you knew there was a point where you would not snap back.

I remember us laughing too at our parents at their over the top warnings about things.   My father once shared with me that he would know if I ever smoked marijuana, never called pot, say that with a thick Eastern European accent and disapproval for best effect.  He said he would know because he tried it once and he almost climbed the walls, that he went, crazy.  I remember thinking "damn that must be some good shit" because had not been my experience.

So now I have kids and of course I have to figure out how to talk to them about these things.  These things that we had some access to but that they have internet videos to see.   I am not sure I am doing it right, I know it scares me.

Sex - I have boys, I need to teach them consent, just like if I had girls.  I have to teach them respect for their bodies, just like if I had girls.  I talk to them about how to always ask for consent, that diseases will kill them or stay with them for life.  That pregnancy can happen.  I talk to them about abuse. I talk to them differently because they are different ages.   My older son turned beet red when I brought up porn.  I told him that it is not realistic and I do not want him to think it is.  I don't want them to have hang ups.  My younger son is still less aware, he is 11 it is as it should be.  I worry about them, I try to have an open approach for them.  They can ask questions.  The older one sometimes does, other times shakes his head at me.  Did I mention this scares me?  I want them to make good choices.

Drugs - Heroin was not something that even crossed my mind when I was a teen, yet here we are, full blown epidemic.  I talk to them about drugs.  My teen wants to know if I ever tried pot.  I was honest.  I did, was not a fan, but many are.  I told him not to be lulled into thinking he could try other things with the same lack of consequences as pot might be, I reminded him it is illegal in NY.   I spoke with him about opiods, heroin, crack.  I tried to be honest, addiction is scary enough, it doesn't need fake drama.  I talk to him a lot about it, my younger guy is more into video games, we talk about that potential for addiction.

Alcohol - now I grew up in a house where if you wanted to try the wine, the whiskey you got a little.  It was gross usually.  I have had my share of bad memories, blurry memories of drinking.   I gave up the over the top drinking a bazillion years ago.  I talk to my son about how you make bad decisions, how you are slower, how like anything else it can get out of hand.  I have always let them try wine if they want, and beer, so far I get "uggh this stuff is gross".

Smoking and Vaping - smoking has well been taught to them for it's dangers and has the "no way" reaction.  Vaping we talk a lot more about.  It's hard, many are doing it, more socially open and acceptable.  I told them I get it they may be tempted but then was honest about the crap that can be in it, the damage it can do, the fact that Philip Morris is moving to all ecigs and that must mean they think a $$$ from their lack of information.  They get it, still more leery on my end on this one.

I do not know if I have any right techniques.  I want them to know what there is no "try" with and what to do if they are in a bad choice, they make a bad decision, they screw up - they can call me.  I may be mad but I will help.  If they hear little else I think they hear that.

The just say no thing - we made fun of it and while it would be great if it worked it seems more of a way out for adults to get out of talking about the uncomfortable.

This parenting thing -- it's not for the faint of heart I tell you.