Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I am hoarder

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there, yeah, yeah,
you've got a friend....James Taylor

Last week was the week of catching up with old friends...not because they are old by age but because we have been friends for 27-37 years.   As I was having dinner with my 2 best friends last night I realized that I am a hoarder.  Not in the gross, there are dead mouse/rat carcasses in my house reality show way, but in the I tend to hold on to friends for a long time.  Now having said that I also want to add that it is a juggling act to hoard or maintain friendships...after all life with it's work, children, partners, spouses, lovers, other friends, and a variety of nasty things will make sure it steps in between you and friendships.   I mean it would be nice if we could devote our lives to pleasurable times but let's face it the friendships that I define as close are those that were shaped by the way we supported one another in times of deep emotional turmoil.

Maybe it is because I am an only child...oh I so easily roll my eyes at that definition and have such fun letting people believe the stereotype.  However, as will all myths there is always some truth baked in it.  Those of us who are only children do seem to work really hard at friendships...sometimes even at the expense of our families.  I have had to give many an apology in my life to my parents for leaving them, not doing something with them, choosing another activity over one with them to be with my friends.  It may be that, unlike children with siblings, we cherish those peer moments which we do not have at home or maybe we are bit insecure at the fragility of a non-familial bond but for whatever reason I do find this to be a somewhat more common trait in my only children than in those who are not. 

Hoarding friends is actually work but well worth it to me.  It takes dedication and a fine balance between going out too much with them and having your husband get annoyed (or feeling guilty because you do want to also be with your children) and seeing everyone you have in your life.  It takes communication and listening to people.  Yet all of that I do gladly.  I find it interesting that people see it as a chore...based on comments I get...it may not be easy but really of all the things I could give up doing, cleaning the bathrooms usually comes to mind among other household chores, maintaining friendships never falls into that category.  I have always been pretty good at making friends but I have been very hesitant about how much of myself I actually share in a friendship.  I will be there as much as I can with honest, delivered in the kindest way I can, advice and lots of laughs and an appreciation for the friendships I have.

As I got older I realized the ever so social part of me enjoys the company of other people and that I am always grateful for the chance to be a part of someone else's life.  I think these networks held together through virtual space, phones, in person or even the occasional hand written note are part of the definition of me.  I will admit that many a boyfriend has told me that I like my friends more than them...and considering the friends are still here and they are gone guess that was not such a wrong assumption.  My wish for the future is that my boys (when they are adults because for now I do not need to be this with them nor do I feel I should be) will find me a friend too and I will accept their apologies when they choose their other friends over a day with me because I will try and remember they know they have me, they know I will be here no matter what but their friends are where they will need to be at that moment for a laugh, for maintenance of the friendship and mostly because friendships enhance us who are lucky enough to find them.  

If you're ever in a jam...here I am
If you're ever in a mess ...SOS
It's friendship, friendship...nothing more than friendship.....
Cole Porter

Monday, February 20, 2012

The heart wants...what the heart wants

Tonight you're mine completely 
You give you love so sweetly 
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes 
But will you love me tomorrow?......Carole King

Talking, is that even the right verb when it occurs via Facebook or email?, to a friend the other day about Brad and Jen's marriage breaking up, yes somehow we fell into that "let's talk about them as if they were friends of ours" mode, and we had different views.  Now the funny part is we both have no idea what we are talking about when it comes to these two or any other couples, famous or not.  I mean after all what happens behind closed doors is a drama that unfolds daily without us as witnesses.  Even if we witness parts of it, famous or not famous, we really will never have the full picture....no one will except the players in that relationship. 

She mentioned that she did not buy the whole "heart what the heart wants" theory.  It got me thinking, or alright if you must snicker that talking about a celebrity couple actually made me ponder the state of relationships but am not alone as seen by the bazillion dollars that celebrity shows and magazines make, about that mysterious thing we call the heart.  Considering I have worked in some sort of healthcare function pretty much as long as I have actually been working I can go all clinical and say the heart has nothing to do with it.  Yet how then would we explain those woozy love songs, those sonnets, poems and pretty much most movies?!.  The heart may be the organ that pumps blood in medicine but it is the vital organ that is needed for the rest of the world to speak of that which we really cannot define.  

I guess maybe that is why it so annoys me, along with so many other things these days, when fundamentalists aka conservatives try and talk about love (who should love who) and the rightness or wrongness of loving just for loving sake, yep am saying it ain't always for procreation.  The heart wants what it wants...well and it is up to the brain to let it have it or not.  If you do let the heart do what it wants then people will feel amazing, giddy, stupid, wonderful and sometimes at the expense of someone else whose own heart will be sad. I do not condone, but here comes the libertine in me, nor condemn how people act upon their heart.  I only condemn it if one of the parties is in no position to make that choice but that is not love, that is called abuse and rape which have to do with dominance and control not love or sex.  

I have spent my life guarding that heart and letting the brain tell it to cut it out, put it in check, not let it out to do what it wants.  I do not live in regrets but do know that I made choices in not letting the heart tell the brain once in a while to zip it,  which in retrospect may have been safe but at some loss.  I still struggle, with the exception of a very select few and that is a minuscule select few, to allow the heart to go out there and run the show and the only time it wins hands down is when it comes to my boys (the heart gives the brain the finger on that one regularly).  

In the end we will never know what happened when a couple splits, famous or not, and sometimes they will not either.  In the end the heart needs to win at least once in a while even if it means it will be broken.  In the end the love we gave and the love we got is all that will fill the brain with memories. 

Think Carole captured it best for me
Is this a lasting treasure 
Or just a moment's pleasure? 
Can I believe the magic of your sighs? 
Will you still love me tomorrow? 

Tonight with words unspoken 
You say that I'm the only one 
But will my heart be broken 
When the night meets the morning sun? 

I'd like to know that your love 
Is love I can be sure of 
So tell me now, and I won't ask again 
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Monday, February 13, 2012

Kiss me you fool

Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your...Kiss.....Princ

Go ahead use up all those lame comments...Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday, I am romantic all year round, I do not need to buy a card for this day my spouse/partner/ lover/etc...knows how I feel ...done?! I like Valentine's Day and am ashamed to say it. I have always liked it and am pretty sure am not going to swayed from that at this age by the need to "fit in" and "be cool" with the cynical crowd.  I am thinking that all those people who say these things would so not turn down the chocolate or coffee or even smile aimed their way on Valentine's Day if I was to send it to them...and if you would there is therapy for you.

I am not ashamed to say I like this holiday because like any other it is what you take and make with it.  I will not lie and say that I do not like jewelry, or if you can write a good card, or a sexy little something but honestly I do not need expense what I do like is a tender moment and good kiss (or a sloppy little boy one that I get from my boys all the time but more of on this day).  I liked Valentine's Day even on the days that it meant I was broken-hearted because the boy I did like gave his grubby little card to someone else, on the days that the only person who gave me any acknowledgement was one of my amazing friends or as always my Mom who never forgot to buy me a little gift and a wonderful card on this day.  My Dad gave me flowers at times but I do think my Mom was the "reminder" for that.  

In a world where it has become so easy to be so mean to others, to focus on the negative.. why is it that we cannot take a moment and acknowledge this day that celebrates love and passion? Support the economy by buying a card, a flower, a box of chocolates...if you have more then buy more...if you cannot well then here is one of the things that I will always remember that may work for you.  I was dating someone once and we were young and of course money was pretty non-existent...so he wrote me a cheesy poem (Juliana rhymes with...wait for it...do you wanna?) that I still remember lines from on the back of a bill envelope.  He also borrowed money and took me to Pizza Hut and to this day I still smile at how much I loved that night...he gave me what I like about this holiday a moment where someone told me they cared for me. 

So go ahead pooh pooh it and seem all cigarette smoking, Nietzsche reading, brooding, anti-establishment in attitude about it but should your child bring you that most revered of all ...a handmade card or drawing...or the extra kiss (or more) that your significant other wants to give today...admit that it will make you drop that cigarette and smile. Celebrate love ...it is a good thing...so is sex and passion and of course there is nothing like a good kiss.  A good kiss..tingles at the moment and sometimes even just in memory.  Happy Valentine's Day ...and go ahead go love someone...go on stop reading...SMOOCHES

Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss.... Louis Armstrong